A Remarkable Mother

Margaret was my Grandma’s friend.  They knew each other since both lived in Detroit, years before I was born.  Margaret smoked like a chimney and drank too much.  It wasn’t that Grandma didn’t drink.  She sometimes enjoyed a Harvey Wallbanger, said it made her tipsy.  Sometimes after dinner she would sip Bailey’s Irish Cream from a teeny cordial glass that looked like a glorified shot class, but curvy and delicate, with a stem. 

Once Margaret came to the house and asked Grandma for a beer.  Grandma had none.  So Margaret sent her son, Robert, on a beer run, so they could stay and visit.  Grandma was mortified.  What kind of people need beer so badly they run to the store to stay for a visit?

Robert lived with his mother.  He was a little “slow” because he had scarlet fever as a child and it went to his brain.  Robert could drive.  He worked at a warehouse.  He smoked and drank like his mother.  He was a lifelong bachelor.  He had a brother, Doug, who lived in another state and had his own life.

After I became a lawyer I did Margaret and Robert’s wills.  My Grandma died.  Then Margaret died.  At her funeral Robert introduced me to Doug.  “Do you know who Marian is?”  Robert asked Doug.  “She is Larry Eggert’s great-granddaughter.”  

“Really?” Doug was amazed, “Larry Eggert was the finest man I ever met in my life.”

I thanked him, “I am so glad to hear that.”  Larry Eggert died before I was born.

“He was a fine, fine man.”

I next saw Robert about two years later.  He was diagnosed with throat cancer.  Doug had died, something alcohol related.  Robert had to quit working.  He wanted to make sure his estate plan was in place.  It was.  Shortly thereafter a family member of Robert’s called me urging me to urge Robert to change his will to make it more favorable to him.  I said I could not do that.  It was not my place.  As time passed and I didn’t hear from Robert or his family I thought he had likely died and another lawyer had changed the will.  When Robert showed up at my office three years later I was surprised and happy to see him.  He had one of those devices you hold up to your throat to talk, but he didn’t like it.  Mostly he expressed himself through gestures.  He also wrote on a pad he carried with him.

Robert’s house had been terribly damaged in a hurricane.  He was having trouble dealing with the insurance company.  He needed help.  His mother told him if he ever needed help he was to come to me.  I worked on this with Robert for about a year.  It was a big task.  Robert also had a really good friend from the Moose Lodge, Lou, who helped him.  I worked closely with Lou.

Robert was in his late 70s, and not in the good health.  He went to the doctor one day because he was not feeling well.  The doctor admitted him to the hospital.  I went to see Robert that evening.  He was sitting up in bed, reading the newspaper.  He was happy to see me.  I asked how he was feeling.  He indicated he was fine.  He said they were running tests on him.  He was not in any pain.

At 10:30 PM I got a call from the hospital that Robert had an “event”.  I was his health care surrogate.  They asked if I was coming to the hospital.  I asked if there was anything I could do if I came.  They said no, and he wouldn’t know I was there.  My daughter was too young to be left home alone.  I didn’t go. 

In the morning they ran tests on him.  In the early afternoon a doctor called.  The tests indicated the only thing keeping Robert alive was the life support they put him on after his event the previous evening.  He asked for permission to take Robert off life support.  I asked the doctor if Robert was his family member, would he take Robert off life support.  He would.  I gave permission to take Robert off life support.  The doctor thanked me for being reasonable.  He said he wasn’t used to reasonable lawyers.  He said Robert would linger for a few hours and I needed to come to the hospital. 

It was time to pick my daughter up at school.  I did that, and we went to the hospital.  I arrived less than an hour after the call, but Robert was already gone.  He wasn’t even in his bed.  We traversed the length of the hospital in search of Robert’s personal items, and then were off to the funeral home.

Margaret had, long ago when her husband died, purchased prepaid funerals for herself and Robert.  I was now planning a large funeral for Robert, for which I knew no family was attending.  I was in regular contact with them. 

As I was planning it, I wondered what kind of funeral this was this would be.  Who was coming?  I was thinking there might be two people, Lou and I.  I could not have been more wrong.  There were so many people at that funeral. 

Robert’s mother had not only set her son up by telling him which lawyer to see if he had a problem.  He was also a member of the Knights of Columbus, the American Legion, the Moose Lodge, the Elks and a catholic church.  Robert had a social circle that rivals any I have ever seen.  The funeral was elaborate with the ceremonies performed by each organization.  Myriad people spoke of their relationship with Robert.  The strange thing was my designation as chief mourner, which I tried hard to pass to Lou.

Robert’s personal possessions included the last pad he wrote on to communicate.  After I visited him that last night, Lou came to see him.  Robert wrote that he had been feeling scared in the hospital, but then Marian came and he knew everything was going to be all right.  I was awestruck by the power he placed in me.  I was glad I was able to provide comfort.  While I know Robert died that night, I trust everything was all right, but not because of me.

I probated Robert’s estate.  He had a paid for home and money in the bank which went to his family. I often think about Robert, in particular, when I hear people in my office speak of their family problems, problems with their children, disabled children.  I can’t think of Robert without thinking of Margaret.  She was a truly amazing woman, and I had not realized it during her lifetime.  She had a son with a low IQ, but through living with him for 70 years, she instilled in him a work ethic, the ability to get along with people and stewardship over possessions and money, such that he was able to live without her.  She taught him exactly with whom he was to associate, the various social organizations.  She even told him if he had a problem which lawyer to trust.  In a world where people with normal or high IQs have problems with these concepts, Margaret and Robert were remarkable.