Love and Snow

 I was waiting for an elevator at the courthouse with a court reporter.  She asked if I knew if it was raining.  I told her it was.  I had been in a court room, for hours, with a big window.  She asked if it was raining hard.  I replied it was not like the standard Florida deluge, but fine rain, like snow.  She said she liked snow, and was going to be in it for Christmas.  I told her I was born in Fort Lauderdale and I like to play in snow for about two days.

We got in the elevator and continued talking.  She agreed snow was fun to play in for about two days.  She asked where I go to see snow.  I told her Canada.  She commented it was very cold there.  She said she moved to Florida two years ago.  I said living in snow is hard, there is so much you have to do to live with the snow.  She agreed.

I told her I thought it made marriages stronger.  She asked how.  I explained because it takes two people to better deal with the snow, with the house, with the cars, with everything that comes with snow and ice.  She said she never thought of that, but I might be right.

We both walked into the deli across the street and ordered lunch.  We were waiting for our to-go lunches when she looked at me and said, “But that’s not really love then, is it?  It’s just two people doing things for each other.” I looked at her and paused and asked what is love if it’s not making the lives of the people you love better?  As I tell my daughter all the time, “Love is what you do.  Be a blessing.”  She thought about it for a moment and said I might be right.

Foreclosure Ramblings – Winning, Evictions, The Crisis is Over

I “won” a foreclosure case yesterday.  By winning I mean the 2010 Foreclosure case was dismissed, and the bank cannot amend.  I believe the bank will refile, then the process will begin again.  A non-lawyer homeowner defendant in yesterday’s court room thought my win meant my client gets to keep the property without the mortgage.  No, it does not work that way.  It’s unfortunate when people accept the legal advice and opinions they get from their friends, neighbors, and the internet.  It can really hurt them. 

I had a woman call last week about a foreclosure.  She said she made an appointment with me months before, but did not come.  Her property was sold the day before, can I help her?  Highly unlikely.  The deeper you dig yourself into the hole the harder it is to get you out.

Someone tells me foreclosures should be like evictions, fast.   I promise you that will not happen in Florida in the foreseeable future. 

When I began practicing law in 1991 foreclosures were rare.  If someone found themselves in foreclosure they were usually embarrassed, and the foreclosure was quick and smooth.  Fast forward to 2009 when homeowners found they could no longer make their mortgage payments because they lost their income, and there were millions of them, hundreds of thousands in Florida.  At the same time people lost their jobs they found their home was suddenly worth significantly less than their mortgage balance.  There is no easy solution to this situation. 

I was told yesterday all the foreclosure defense lawyer does is delay.  You can view it that way but the delay is caused by forcing the bank to prove its case, and sometimes they can’t, as happened yesterday. 

As I waited for my case to be heard I was seated next to an attorney who was unfamiliar with Broward foreclosure procedure.  We were there early.  The judge took the bench early, which is great.  There were 40-50 attorneys or litigants in the court room, but only two teams, which means lawyers on both sides ready to argue.  The Judge heard both cases, then we all just sat there.  The lawyer next to me asked why cases were not being called.  Because the docket is all morning, and it’s early, if the Judge calls a case and only one lawyer is present and she goes ahead and decides to hear the case, then the other lawyer shows up 30 minutes later and says that’s not fair, I didn’t get to be heard, it’s a re-do.  The Judge got up and left the bench.  The lawyer next to me was aghast.  Why shouldn’t she leave the bench and take a break?  Without teams she has no cases to hear.  The lawyer wanted to know where all the bank lawyers were.  I explained cases were being heard in four courtrooms concurrently, all four courtrooms have a morning and afternoon docket, the bank’s lawyers are moving between the courtrooms.  She said she thought the foreclosure crisis was over.  I said believe that when they go down to 3 courtrooms, then 2, then 1.  Then they wipe out the foreclosure division altogether because we did not used to have a dedicated foreclosure division.

How Will You Feel When You Step On the Scale Tomorrow Morning?

I had an epiphany about weight loss this weekend.  I want to share.

I listen to audiobooks a lot.  I particularly listen when I am house cleaning, cooking, and working on household projects.  They bring joy to time.  Most of the time I listen to a book once.  Sometimes I think I can get more from a book if I listen again.  Sunday morning I was listening, for the second time, to Augustin Burroughs reading his book “This Is How”.  It’s a self-help book and the only Burroughs book I have listened to more than once, though I have read or listened to every Augustin Burroughs book.

Burroughs says if you have been trying to lose weight for 20 years and haven’t accomplished it, give it up.  Accept yourself the weigh you are, accentuate the positive.  I disagree, but I still love the book.  I think if there is something you have wanted for 20 years, 30 years, 40 years and obtaining it would be of benefit to you, keep trying.  I do.  I agree you should endeavor to enjoy yourself every day of your life, it’s a gift, that’s why they call it the present. 

As I was scrubbing my kitchen counter-top Burroughs said if you step on the scale in the morning and the number puts you in such a bad mood it negatively impacts your day, stop stepping on the scale.

I stepped on the scale that morning.  It bummed me out.  I was at a wedding the previous day.  The reception was at a delicious restaurant, you get the picture.   I gained 3 pounds.  I was not happy about it, but not surprised. 

I was also anxious because it was Sunday and I was going to a picnic.  Picnics are big on food.  Burroughs says don’t step on the scale, but  I know if I stop stepping on the scale my weight will go up and up and up, and I will be even more unhappy.

Burroughs Premise:  If you step on the scale in the morning and the number it registers has the power to bring down your day, don’t step on the scale in the morning.

Lindquist Premise:  If you step on the scale in the morning and the number it registers has the power to bring down your day, make damn sure you get a number that brings you joy.

I committed then and there that nothing at that picnic was going to bring me down, I mean up.   

The picnic had hot dogs, burgers, pork, chips, dip, fruit platters, vegetables platters, cheese platters, pickles, coleslaw, loaded potato salad, baked goods upon baked goods upon baked goods.  There was beer, cider, a full bar.  Ginger made a smurf drink with orange juice, cherry vodka, something blue and I don’t know what else.  I had a sip of Susan’s, it was delicious.  John generously offered me a lite cider.  I read the label, still 120 calories in a bottle and 10 carbs.  I took a sip.  He said, “Go ahead, have one.”  I told him no thanks.  If my weight went any higher I would bust a gasket and I had trial Monday morning.  I don’t want to be all bummed out about my weight and take that negativity into trial.  My client deserves better from me.

The 3 pounds that came from the wedding were gone the next morning.  I have a new perspective.  I won the trial. 

You have a great deal of control over the number on the scale.  If you think you don’t I urge you to think again.  The temptation I faced at the wedding was elegant, exquisite, sumptuous food.  Which brought on a lack thought, “I won’t see this food again.”  Here’s the tool, replace that thought with, “You may not see that food again, but really good food is readily available to most of us in the United States all the time.  Here’s a lack thought for you, How badly will you feel if you gain 3 pounds tomorrow?  What if you gain another 3 the next day too?  You do not want to feel badly, do you?  Do you want to exercise your power over the scale, or do you prefer to cave to the delicious cheesy concoction, cookie, pizza, and blue vodka drink, whatever?  What’s more important to you?”  Decide.  On the Biggest Loser and Chris Powell television shows they make those weigh ins very dramatic, like the number is going to be a surprise.  It need not be a surprise, they only do that to make good television.

The two pictures below were each taken the weekend of the Octoberfest picnic.  Pink shirt is 2013. Blue shirt is 2014.

10 Weight Loss Tips

I have lost 110 pounds in about a year and a half.  These are my current best tips.

1.         Pick a diet and follow it for a month.

The diet that has worked best for me is eating South Beach Phase 1 Foods, 5 times a day, no more than 300 calories a meal.

2.         Exercise hard and regularly.

I’m not saying be a runner.  I am saying you need regular physical exertion.  Please don’t tell me housekeeping is enough.  I go to a gym.  It’s measurable exercise.  Measurable is important as in measuring your food, your exercise and your weight.  My goal is to exercise one hour a day 5 days a week.  When I started at the gym all I could use was the stationary bike and pool, just do it.  I promise if you exercise 5 days a week for an hour a time after 30 days you will feel so good you will not want to stop.  As you keep on the path things may come up that keep you out of the gym for a week, like the flu.  Then you may be reluctant to go back.  Force yourself to go back.  I have a friend who has also lost more than 100 pounds.  The last time I saw her she said she looked like a cancer patient and I look good, why is that?  I think it is exercise.  She is not doing it.  She actually went to the doctor to be checked for cancer.  Thankfully, she does not have it.

3.         Weigh yourself daily.

Weight loss is measurable.  It’s not a feeling.  You can no more tell me that you feel like you are losing weight when the scale says you are not, than you can tell me you are making money as you have less and less.  Permanent weight loss is a downward trend over time.  Learn how your weight loss works.  Learn that it’s normal to drop a couple pounds and see it spike the next day, even though you did everything right.  Learn about yourself.  Figure out what works for you.  You need data to do that.

4.         Track your weight on a wall calendar.  It will show you trends.
            Knowledge is power.

5.         Measure yourself monthly.

The smaller you get the harder it is to drop pounds, but if you are still exercising you will still see inches coming off.

6.         Diet contests did me a world of good.  I use DietBet.com.

7.         Avoid temptation.

What tempts me?  Parties.  Travel.  What used to tempt me?  Restaurants.  Restaurants are fairly easy to work with because most menus are on line.  Look at the menu before you go, determine what you are going to order and stick with it.

8.         Buy yourself new clothes as much as you can afford and will wear.

This is so important psychologically.  When you know you look good you feel good.  Looking good in new smaller clothes keeps you on track.  Clothes at Goodwill and Ross are cheap.

9.         Do not expect perfection of yourself.

There are no perfect people.  Did you eat too much on Sunday?  Oh well.  Monday is a new day.  Did you not get in those 5 hours of exercise last week?  Do you need to modify your plan because you are never going to get in those 5 hours of exercise in a week?  Whatever.  Modify your plan, but stay the course.  You can’t eat too much every day, then you’re not working your plan anymore or your plan isn’t working.

10.       Focus

One of the most frequent question I am asked is if it is hard to lose weight.   Think about running a marathon.  Losing a lot of weight is not like the pounding your joints take running the marathon, but it is an endurance challenge as is a marathon.  Losing weight is such an endurance challenge it continues the rest of your life, may it be long, healthy and prosperous. 

My daughter had braces, and then invisalign, which was a thousand times better.  I never had braces.  So many people warned us that she must wear her retainer when she is done with treatment because those teeth want to go back where they were.  The weight wants to come back.

In order to achieve long term weight loss you must keep focus.  You must prioritize.  You must put yourself first.  You absolutely have the skills to do it, because you already do focus and prioritize on other things.  Do you go to work when you are supposed to be there?  You have the skills.

The challenge reminds me of something I have read about poker.  Most of the hands you are dealt are not winners.  You need to fold.  The winningest poker players only play good hands.  The greatest challenge to poker players is called “going on tilt”.  They go on tilt when they can no longer stand sitting at that table folding hands and want some action.  Then they lose.  The hardest part of weight loss is maintaining focus.

First Let’s Kill All the Lawyers

“Do you like lawyer jokes?”  I am asked.

“No.”

“Do you want me to tell you one?”

“No.”

“I know a really, really good lawyer joke, can I just tell it to you?”

“By all means as I can see it’s really important to you.”

My first husband was born in Poland, but both his parents were born in Lithuania.  He explained when the Russians came into Lithuania his parents were children and their families moved to neighboring Poland.

When we had been married for a couple years my mother-in-law, Stefania, came to stay with us for a few months.  On the one hand, she and I had communication problems because her English was not always good and my Polish was much worse.  On the other hand I learned Eastern European women are such good housekeepers you can eat a meal off the corner of your kitchen floor with no fear of contamination. 

My husband and I drove very used cars that always seemed to be breaking.  Stefania and I were having trouble with the car when I made a comment to the effect of the cars always being problems.  Stefania said that’s what her father told her.  I knew her father died in Lithuania when she was little.  I was surprised they had cars in Lithuania in the 1930s.  “Your father had a car?”  She told me her father had many cars, probably seven.  Seven cars in Lithuania in the 1930s, I asked what her father did to have so many cars.

Stefania explained her grandfather was a judge, a very important judge.  Her father was a lawyer.  When the Russians invaded her country they rounded up all the important people, took them outside the city and shot them.  Someone told her mother what happened.  Her mother got together all the valuables they could carry and she took herself and her two children to Poland.  The family also had a large amount of land, which the Soviets confiscated. 

Shakespeare did not write the line about first killing the lawyers as a joke, suggesting their death would lead to a better world.  The line was stated by a character who wanted to kill the lawyers so he might more easily place a man on the throne who wanted, but had no right to be, king.  The character hoped that by killing the lawyers there would be no one to defend the law.  When I hear that Shakespeare line, stated as though it is a joke, I see Stefania, who lost her grandfather, father, home and country, in one fell swoop so local lawyers would not be present to fight for their countrymen in Stalin’s Lithuania. 

My father-in-law’s family also fled Lithuania for Poland, but they suffered no loss of life, no lawyers in that family.

WANT TO BUY A CHEAP CONDO?

Prior to the foreclosure crisis, if a homeowner fell behind in their condo or homeowner association maintenance payments, the association filed a lien which the unit owner almost always paid, plus interest, late fees and attorney fees, to save their home.  The lien was paid because the owner did not want to lose her home.  After the foreclosure crisis many homeowners saw they were losing their homes, making the failure to pay maintenance less threatening.

It became a trend in community association law that associations began foreclosing liens.  When the association foreclosed the unit still carried the unpaid mortgage.  The associations were in a position where they were not receiving the necessary revenue to maintain the common property and those members who paid were suffering due to the owners who were not, because the payors were footing the bill.

By completing their foreclosure before the bank who held the mortgage the association could take the unit and rent it to pay itself back the money it was owed.

For purposes of example, let us say the condominium is worth $75,000.  The association is owed $15,000.  At the end of the foreclosure the association has a judgment for $15,000.  That is the first bid.

Enter the scammers, companies who find people who have $15,000 cash and tell them they can purchase a $75,000 condo for $15,000 cash, what a bargain!  What did the company leave out?  The fact there is a $250,000 first mortgage sitting on this property, also in foreclosure. 

The result is you have a saver who managed to put together at least $15,000 to buy a home.  She thinks she got a bargain.  The scamming company gets a fee.  The saver moves into her new home and starts fixing it up.  Six months later she realizes she is going to lose her new home to foreclosure.  The scamming company lied to her.

It’s such a bummer to pay a lawyer to tell you that dream you have will not work, but it’s better than saving your money and losing it.  If it sounds too good to be true….

Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden

I was at a social gathering.  A discussion began at the table on doctrinal religion, sacraments.  I love religious discussion.  The man seated to my right identified himself as a minister.  He asked my religion.  I told him I was raised a Lutheran, went to Catholic School and am now a member of a Presbyterian church, but I consider myself to be a Bible-reading Christian. 

He said the problem with reading the Bible is it is subject to so much interpretation.  We are not reading it in its original language, nor do we read it in the context of the times.  For example, did I realize the 7 hills referred to in Revelations was Rome?  That made sense, I agreed.  I commented Revelations is difficult prophetic reading.  I have not focused much on it.

What did I focus on?  He asked.  I said let’s start at the beginning, Adam and Eve in the Garden.  I never tire of reading that story.  He said that story comes out of Sumeria.  Have I ever read about Sumeria?  I have not.  He said I should.  I will. 

He asked what I got out of Adam and Eve.  So many things.  Like what?  The tendency of human beings to make self-destructive choices.  The power of free will coupled with the dichotomy of good and evil.  The tendency of humans to fail to obey the direction of God who created and provided for them.  The tendency of humans to blame someone else for their own poor choices.

“That’s not what that story is about.”  He told me.

“What’s it about?”  I asked.

“Sex, it’s about sex.  They found out they were naked and they discovered sex.  That’s what the story is about.”

Men.

Installment Debt and the Statute of Limitations

I was asked by a prominent attorney to speak with a first year attorney regarding a landlord/tenant dispute.  We spoke at length.  At the end of the conversation the attorney asked if she could ask me a question about foreclosures.  Certainly.

She wanted to know what I thought about new law that extends the statute of limitations from the date of the last installment payment.  I told her that has always been the case with other installment debt, like credit cards.  For example, let’s say the cardholder stops paying in 2003.  The statute of limitations ran in 2008.  In 2010 the bank sells that debt, which has technically expired, for pennies on the dollar.  A collection agency convinces the debtor to resume payments, like magic, the debt is revived.  The borrower, once again, owes the entire balance.

What do I think of that?  The new attorney asks indignantly.

I explain the laws of this country protect borrowers over lenders.  It is political.

Do I think it’s fair?  She asks.

I don’t have a strong opinion on it.  It just is.  I can’t escalate myself to a point of indignation on that issue.  Want to hear me get indignant?  Ask me what I think about moving children back and forth between different households like a volleyball.

July August Weight Loss Update

Weight Loss Update for July and August, even though I know its September.  I know a lot of my Facebook followers enjoy reading about my 110 pound weight loss journey.  I haven’t posted much about it recently because I was not losing, and that’s tough, psychologically. 

I started our office's 8 week diet contest in July planning to get to my 150 goal by Labor Day.  I was not happy with the July contest because I purposefully did not go on vacation this summer to avoid temptation.  I will never do that again.

I also wanted to power off the last 12 pounds.  I began by eating less.  It didn’t work too well.  A client suggested green juicing.  I tried that, for about a week.  I dropped about 3 pounds.  I also had zero energy.  I did not have the energy necessary to work out. 

In August I started Chris Powell’s carb cycling program and began weight training.  By the end of August I had gained a few pounds.  I measure myself the first of every month.  My hips went down an inch.  This took my hips to exactly the same measurement as my bust, which I view as a perfect hour glass.  But my waist went up an inch, what the heck is that?!

At the end of the 8 week contest I registered a 3 pound loss.  I know I could have done better.   Then I went on vacation.  Of course, my Canadian friends and relatives were thrilled to see me.  Some of them hadn’t seen me in a year, others hadn’t seen me since Christmas.  I looked fantastic to all of them.

Now I’m back.  The office started a new weight loss contest.  I am back to my original South Beach plan that took off the majority of my weight.  My body has a hard time with carbs.  My gym work outs still include strength training. 

Last night my daughter saw me undressed and commented my stomach was looking better.  I asked what that meant.  She said less loose skin.  I looked at it this morning, she is correct. 

I am also rockin’ my new size 8 jeans today.  I had to go into the Bank this morning.  I have been banking at that branch for at least 20 years.  Karlene greeted me with a big smile and told me how great I looked.  Bebe agreed.  I commented it was an amazing gift to walk into the Bank and make everyone smile just by looking at me.  This made most of the Bank employees laugh.  “We are very happy for you.”  One of them told me.  “But not everyone is happy for you.”  Karlene warned.  “I know.”  I told her.  She went on ,“Watch out for those jealous people.” 

And so it goes.  I recognize I set very high goals.  When this office contest ends for me on November 10^th that will be slightly more than a year since I started the first one.  May I reach my 150 by its conclusion.

Sex and Pot Roast

I don’t know if any of you are going to dispute me on this, but it’s my opinion there are large numbers of men who think about sex ALL the time.  You may also be surprised to know, that in my profession, they share this with me. 

Sometimes it is cute, like when the 90 year man suddenly exclaims during an estate planning visit, “How did a woman as beautiful as you ever get to be a lawyer?”  Beats the hell outta me.

More recently, upon being completely taken back by my weight loss, a long term client asked, “Marian Lindquist, why are you still working?  Why aren’t you letting some rich man take care of you?”  He’s rich.  I don’t think he’d be so happy with some rich woman taking care of him.  Maybe he thinks he would.  It probably depends on the care provided.

Most conversations do not rise to the level of one I had recently.  I was consulting with a man who owns numerous businesses, including restaurants.  We were speaking of the businesses when, out of the blue he states, “I bet you don’t even know how to cook a pot roast.”  I found this to be so inappropriate I ignored it and continued the conversation that came before it.

“You don’t know how to make a pot roast, do you?”  He asked again.

“I do know how to make a pot roast.”

“How would you make a pot roast?”  He asked.

“I would put it in the crock pot before I went to work and when I came home I would have pot roast.” 

“That’s cheating.”  He said.

“See how you are?”  I asked him.  “Do you always seek to find fault?”

He ignored me and asked, “Can you imagine you and I walking on the Riverwalk together?”

“No, I cannot.”  And that was the end of that client.

Planes, Emergency Exits and Teenagers

Today we journeyed from Syracuse to Fort Lauderdale.  On the first leg of the journey Lily asked why we sit next to the emergency exit so frequently.  I explain it is a premium aisle.  I paid more for those seats so we could have extra leg room.  Did she not like the seats?  She said her body is small.  She does not need extra leg room.  I told her next time I will buy an extra leg room seat for me, and she can sit in a regular seat somewhere else.  Ok, she agreed. 

The man across the aisle, a lawyer from the US Trustee’s office, laughed.  I asked if he ever had a teenage daughter.  He said he had.  She was 33 now, but he remembered the attitude. 

I told Lily on the next leg of our journey we were in the second row.  We had a 2 hour layover in NYC, which meant we got to eat a lunch in a sit down restaurant.  There were 9 wheelchairs on the next flight.  I told Lily I feared we would not get overhead space for our computer case.  I was correct.  We squished it under the seat in front of us.

It was a full flight.  After the doors closed the flight attendant asked a question of people in the first row.  Then she asked the other side of the second row.  Then she asked me how old Lily was.  16.  She said they needed someone to change seats with the Emergency Exit row because there was an underage child there, would we change?  I asked if we could both go.  Yes.  We agreed, grabbed our stuff and headed down the aisle. 

There was a commotion in the emergency exit aisle.  It was a mother and son.  The son was too young to sit in the emergency exit aisle.  The mother was angry she was being moved.  She said her father died.  She had just purchased those seats for $1,500, which was significantly more than I paid.  She said the seats were the only ones available when she purchased her tickets.  I wanted to tell her Row 2 is better, but she was too agitated. 

She got up to move.  She and her son they had 3 carry-ons.  The flight attendant told the woman there was no room at the front of the plane for all her carry-ons.  They would put one in the back or leave it there for her to retrieve afterwards.  The woman became even more agitated.  She did not back up so Lily and I could take her seat, she started moving forward into us, so we moved forward to the front of the plane where the flight attendant’s station is.  The woman was carrying on about the unfairness of the situation.  Her son was telling the flight attendant he could manage the emergency exit as well as an older person.  The flight attendant assured him that he probably could, but they had rules.

At the front of the plane the woman continued raging, telling the flight attendant the airline was going to hear it from her.  I tried to intervene.  I told her the second row is very nice, couldn’t we figure out some way she could be comfortable there?  She seemed not to hear me.  Then she told the flight attendant she wanted off the plane.  The flight attendant told the pilot.  The pilot said to let her off.  The jet way was put in place.  The door was opened, off she went. 

We got back to our seats.  The other passengers broke out in applause.  I was seated next to a tax lawyer from a big firm.  We shook our heads at what happened.  I said I had tried to talk to her.  “You couldn’t help her.”  He told me.  “You tried.”

The airline gave us all free movies for our trouble.  We had a choice of three Lily said we need to watch “The Fault of the Stars” a tragidrama about teenagers with cancer with an it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all theme.   What a day.

The Best Part of Losing Weight

What’s the best part of losing more than 100 pounds?  How many of you think I am going to tell you about health benefits?  You are so wrong.  The best part of losing weight, is looking good and being normal.  The joy of being normal and shedding a lifelong label of being fat is priceless. 

The joy of liking what you see when you look in the mirror is beyond compare and words.  It is fun and delightful to see people you haven’t seen for a long time and watch them ooooh and aaaah over your looks.  In his book “This is How” Augustin Burroughs says confidence comes from the feedback you get from other people over your competence.  Want more confidence?  Either care less about what other people think or develop competence.  Ponder that. Care less about what people think when they tell you that you are fat.  That takes mental fortitude beyond the capacity of most human beings.  Fat people know they are fat.  Tell a fat person he or she is fat and you are affirming what they already know, and do not like, about themselves.  The vast majority of fat people do not want to be fat.  So why don’t they develop competence in weight loss?  It’s really hard to do, for many, many reasons.   

It has been easy for me to feel confident in my profession based upon client feedback, historic record, test scores and awards.  Until recently my confidence over my physical appearance went something like this, sometimes, “You look good in that dress.”    

I have developed confidence from recent feedback.  I greeted a client in my waiting room, “Hi, Tony, how are you?”  He did a double take and asked, “Who are you?”  An 84 year old client came in to discuss a legal problem, we got right to it.  During a break in the discussion there was a pause and he said, “I have not seen you since you got your new figure.  It’s beautiful.  I am very happy for you.”   Yet another man exclaimed.   “Oh my God, look at you.  I remember how you looked.  How do you feel?  Don’t you feel so much better?”  What he does not understand, and most people do not, is the weight came off slowly.  I did not wake up one day 100 pounds lighter.  I do not feel the weight loss like people see it.  I know I can do more at the gym than I used to, but that does not make me feel the weight loss.  Fortunately I don’t have to feel it to rejoice in it.

I recently had something happen that was better than seeing someone I had not seen in a year.  A Rastafarian, Jamaican man, who appeared to be in his 30s in the check-out line at Whole Foods told me, “Ma’am you are an exceptionally beautiful woman.”  I thanked him.  I never saw that man before.  He did not know I lost weight.  He did not say, “You look good, for you, for someone who has lost 100 pounds.”  For all you cynics out there who are saying, he wanted something.  Maybe, but I have conveyed our entire exchange in this paragraph. 

If you love a fat person or if you are a fat person, focus on personal strengths.  Everyone is competent at something.  Build on that.  

Dinner At The Mai Kai

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The Mai Kai restaurant opened in the late 1950s. It is about three miles from downtown Fort Lauderdale. When it opened this was the boonies. In the main dining room every table has a view of the stage to watch the Polynesian show. I took my Dad and step-mother to dinner there. Despite it being a weeknight, and it being August (a slow hot month in South Florida), the Mai Kai was full. I lost count of the number of birthdays, anniversaries and honeymoons the Master of Ceremonies announced we were celebrating. It was a big party on a Wednes

day night, on an otherwise hot, muggy, uneventful day. I enjoyed myself more than I thought I would. When I got home it struck me the Mai Kai was important to my very existence.

My mother was raised in an unusually privileged childhood. She was an only child, and her mother was also an only child. My mother and her parents lived with my grandmother’s parents. They migrated between three different homes and my mother attended three different schools annually.

My mother’s grandmother encouraged her to learn and participate in activities she enjoyed. Her grandmother might take her to the ballet and ask if she wanted to do that. My mother would tell her no, she had no interest in ballet.

One night they were at a party in Detroit when a woman, Naomi, with her sister, Leilani, performed Polynesian dance. My mother grabbed her grandmother’s arm and told her, “I want to do that.” Rossie Eggert, the doting grandmother she was, hired Naomi to teach Pammie to dance. Island dancing became Pammie’s thing.

My Dad’s background was not privileged, but he also grew up with grandparents. Dad’s mother died giving birth to him. He is an only child. After his wife died, Dad’s father moved in with his parents. When my Dad was 14, his father died.

Growing up, Dad’s best friend was Ralphie, who was of Polynesian descent. When Dad was 16, Ralphie’s family moved to Fort Lauderdale to work at the Mai Kai. Dad decided to try his luck in Lauderdale. He came with Ralphie’s family.

When the Mai Kai opened, the Eggerts had been wintering in Fort Lauderdale for a decade. As Polynesian dance was Pammie’s “thing” they were fully entrenched in the Polynesian community. There was no question Ralphie’s family would enter Pammie’s orbit.

My mother told me she met my father at a drag race. It was really hot and my father said, “I told Ralphie it was too hot to come here. We should have gone to the beach.” This made my mother think my father was really smart, which he is. While my father acknowledges seeing my mother at the drag race, he recalls meeting her earlier.

The Eggerts grew up in real poverty. They opened a window cleaning company in Detroit which prospered cleaning windows for auto factories. Rossie and Larry Eggert rejoiced in their wealth. Ralphie told my father the Eggerts were having a party where the food and drink flowed freely. The Eggerts had a house across the street from the beach, and a motel within walking distance to the house. The party made a great impression on my father, and he learned there was always a party at the Eggerts. Dad also noticed the Eggerts had a granddaughter. And now you know, the rest of the story….

I Want A Slave

I met Carl the first year I was in practice.  He came in for something small, a consult or a letter.  A year or so later, he came back.  He smiled and said, “Marian Lindquist, you’re the first lawyer I ever came back to see a second time.  Do you know why?  You’re the only lawyer I ever met who didn’t screw me over.”  He had a great sense of humor.

At some point Carl bought his wife, Rae, with him, probably to do estate planning.  Rae and Carl had both been previously married.  Carl was married several times.  Carl had children.  Rae did not.  Carl was a salesman.  Rae was a housewife.  Rae had a lot more money than Carl.

After Carl retired they moved to a 55+ community three counties to the north where life was slower and cheaper.  They always stayed in touch.  They still saw their doctors and dentist in Broward, and kept their Broward lawyer, me.

Rae died unexpectedly.  When you are a solo lawyer who represents individuals you share your client’s milestones because they need to know what to do during those markers.  I spoke with Carl frequently.  After several months Carl told me he missed his wife more than he ever thought he would.  It pained him how much he missed her and it particularly pained him as to why.  When Rae was alive he never realized how much she did for him.  She took care of everything.  She paid the bills.  He never had to worry about anything or do anything for himself.  She put food in front of him.  She cleaned.  She kept the house stocked.  It was like she was his slave. 

He thought about looking for a new wife, but when he did he thought about the qualities he wanted in the woman and he realized he was looking for a slave.  He didn’t want to tell a woman, “I want a slave.” 

Men were in high demand in his 55+ community.  He had no lack of women bringing him food and expressing an interest in him, but other than for friendship Carl was not interested.  He felt guilty for not recognizing and expressing his gratitude to Rae for all she had done.  He did not want to use another woman like a slave.  He was ashamed.  Before Rae died he thought of himself as self-sufficient.  He realized he had been deceiving himself.

Carl survived Rae by 7 years.  He never remarried.  He got deeply involved with his church, volunteering time, contributing money.  He contributed a building.   He called me frequently.  He didn’t even have legal problems.  He was lonely.  Shortly before he died he drove down to Broward County and stopped in to see me.  He was skinny and frail.  He wanted to tell me how much he appreciated me.  I was touched.  After he died his son told me he looked forward to meeting me, because his father liked me so much.  I know, I thought, I never screwed him over.

As a lawyer I live in a privileged world where I get to see life from so many angles, because I talk to so many people who share their deeply personal issues with me.  It took Carl a lifetime and the death of his last wife to realize love is action, it is what you do.